If you do not wish to waste your time helping someone with a problem that is more complicated than “Should I ask him out?” or “Should I die my hair?” then please, stop reading this now. You will be wasting your and my time. I am a nineteen year old college girl who has a bright future ahead of her. I am majoring in international business and economics and currently hold a 4.0 GPA. I am president of a political club and a member of an honors society. I have a great boyfriend and a great father. I have my whole future ahead of me and so many plans and goals. So why am I so miserable? I have felt alone my entire life. I have always felt like no one really understands me. Shortly after my mom’s adulterous relationship, my parents’ divorce, and my grandmother’s death, I was placed in a mental health clinic for slicing my wrists in the back of a classroom. Although I was not suicidal then, I very quickly felt hopeless. My life then was very different: I had a troubled relationship with someone who never loved me, I was buried in black and Gothic styled clothing, I was involved in Wicca, dabbling with drugs, and I could not see past the next week. There was nothing in my future to look forward to. I had no friends and no one to talk to. I was only 13. I was going downhill for a very long time. It wasn’t until I was 17 that I met my current boyfriend. He used the Socratic method to show me how illogical my behavior and mindset was. He taught me everything I know. I wasn’t in algebra and he taught me calculus. I thought he was brilliant. He remains a vital part in my life. We plan on marrying after college. He is the most wonderful man ever. With his help, I found a passion for life and found a passion within my life. I now want to help create a sustainable world by supporting renewable energy sources and promoting evolving techonlogies. I am an activist for many issues, but that is what I truly want to do: become a business woman whose aim is to profit from helping the world. And yet, I still feel alone, not because I am lacking something within him or my future, but because now that he has returned to his country I feel alone again, nothing to look forward to in the near future. I am so happy when we are able to talk, which is hardly ever. I am overly stressed with study. I am studying more than ever trying to keep my grades up because I am so stressed that I can’t concentrate. Although I am heavily involved in community activities and organizations, I have no friends. I have no one to talk to, only when my boyfriend is here. I have no intention on killing myself. Unlike in the past, I have a future. My problem is that I have nothing fulfilling until then. I would love to fast forward to when I can work in what I love and be with whom I love. Unfortunately, I know I must wait and be patient. My boyfriend and I visit once a year. We will be permanently together in two more years. I wish it were easier though. I am afraid of my emotions because they are so intense. When I was in the mental hospital years ago, they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and clinical depression. I was heavily medicated and that is when I became truly suicidal. I am afraid that I may need to be placed back on my medication. I detest medicine! I am currently taking a class in physical fitness and have joined a local yoga group. As I said earlier, I am in many clubs and organizations. Why can’t I be happy? Will I ever be happy? I know that happiness is a mood and that moods come and go. This is ridiculous though! I am being stopped in the hallways at school by students who are concerned. Lately,my mood ranges from mellow somberness to extreme despair. From all the time in and out of psychologists’ offices, I have learned almost every way of coping. All these coping skills are for temporary moments of sadness. None of these things work long after the activity has stopped for the day. Is this a neural problem? Now that I am involved in my community, exercising, and eating properly… what is there next to do? I am sorry that I have repeated myself numerous times within this post. Forgive my nervousness. I feel ashamed of posting this. Perhaps it is because I am exposing to the world a weakness of mine that I wish was not there. For months I thought this would go away. I WAS okay for a while. But for the past few months this intolerable feeling has been occuring nearly everyday. I would be highly appreciative of ANY help you can give. Thank you for your time.
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I don't think what you're going through is all that uncommon. I believe we all feel alone in some way or another. Most of the time doing everything RIGHT is not enough to make you feel RIGHT. Emotions, moods, wants and needs go beyond honours societies, and yoga clubs. I graduated at the top of my class, work at a major law firm, and have a wonderful boyfriend myself. I still suffer from rather frequent moments of just wanting to not exist anymore. I wish you luck. I can't tell you what cures this. To me it sounds normal to feel this way. Maybe because I do, and want to relate. I wish you all the best though :) Truly.
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Hi :) It does sound like you are in a picke of emotions right now, but you need to realise that feeling things good or bad is healthy for you. You are not abnormal because you feel this way, infact it should be expected, you have lost alot and then gained alot, you managed to find the happy feeling again after so long and now that things have changed again you start to feel the low as you did before, but because you have felt extremely happy the lows feel even lower. I think you d need to go and see your doc again, talk to him and tell him your concerns about the meds and what you feel is holding you back, he may be able to suggest something else, but as a tempoary messure I think you should get some meds of some description
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do you feel you can use the people who are stopping you in the hallway as a support system? if they are "really" that concerned then it should not be a problem. have you been open and honest with the therapist? a lot of the time we tell them what we think they want to hear. this is not a benefit for them or you. also, i read you are doing a lot of things to help keep you positive. the one thing i did not read was you trying to get to know yourself. it helps when you try to know you. if you are not willing to do that then what's the point. make an effort to get to know who you are and not what you and others think you are. in my opinion, this can help out a bit. i am bipolar and have ADHD and it is a balancing act trying to get to a place where you are comfortable with life. good luck with everything.
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Please consider consulting a doctor for treatment of bipolar depression and work with the physician until the dosage is right and you do not feel over medicated. Bipolar depression indicates you do not have adequate lithium in your chemical makeup. It is a disease not unlike diabetes or thyroid problems. It is NOT a character flaw. You may need to be on this medication for life or a combination of medications in order to feel well. Many people have this disease and go on to live wonderful lives. You sound like a wonderful person. Best of luck.
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Thank you for all of your help. I guess I was not clear in what I wrote and feel that I must explain myself further. In order for me to have turned from a suicidal, drug abusing teen to where I am today, I had to do quite a lot of soul searching. I didn't want anyone to know who I was because I felt ashamed. As I said in my post, I saw it as a character flaw. Because of my belief of constantly trying to better myself, to learn and progress, I felt like I should have gotten over this years ago. Then I looked at these responses and realised that I HAVE improved. As LazyDazy said, I am feeling more down because I finally found happiness. Before, I had nothing and therefore, nothing to lose. Since I am handling this better than I handled things when I was 13, I feel I have greatly improved. That is enough to satisfy me; however, I believe I will always be bipolar and may need medication. I know I definitely at least need someone to talk to. I am afraid of bipolar medication because of how I was before. I went without it for years and never looked back. The psychiatrists I used to visit would recommend Lithium and another medication. I later learned why it reacted with me the way it did: Lithium and that other medicine, when combined, have the same effect on your body as speed. I told my doctor what was going on and he put me on something else. At one time, the doctor was money hungry enough to put me on six different medications all at once, all of which I felt had nothing to do with what I had. I was fed up with medicine and quit them all gradually. It is ashame how medical advertisements and buying off doctors and politicians has affected American society. This is why I am weary of psychiatrists. I am a little more inviting of psychologists since I know they will not medicate me. If a psychologist says I need medication, then he or she would then refer me. I am sure things will turn out fine. Until then I have to suck it up. Some days are easier than others. I have decided to see a psychologist. I do feel that this site is very helpful though. I like the community atmosphere and people's willingness to help. That is exactly what I need. That is why I will remain a member of this site. Maybe helping others might help me help myself. Although I know none of you personally, at least now I have people I can talk to.
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hey... i think I can identify with you so much... but one thing that i believe you are failing to realize is that people are actually there for you other than your boyfriend. I am in your situation now except even my studies have gone down the drain , and I can not focus on anything. Just know one thing there is always a clearer path and people are there for you, you just have to open your eyes and let them in... I still need to take my own advice..lol but I know you will feel better chica..we all will. Everybody has dark days these are just ours. IT NEVER RAINS FOREVER!!!