with me, he never wants to speak to friends and family from back home nemore but has no reason as to why he doesnt, it annoys the hell out of me and i feel really frustrated by this, anyone else et the same?
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It may very well be that he doesn't want to start missing home. Sometimes in life, we're eager to have a new, different life and we'd rather not go back to a place we felt differently. He seems happy, and if he's ready to do that someday, he very likely will. :) As long as you guys are happy and talking with each other, I'm sure there isn't anything wrong. :)
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yeah we are happy with each other, but its just he is very very clingy and submissive and he has been over here for well over three years now and admits it when he does miss home so i dont get why he jus doesnt reply to people back home, not all of them are mega close to him, but some of them are, he has lots of messages on his bebo for instance but just will not for love nor money reply to them, and i jus dont understand why not, i mean he speaks on the phone if they ring him, and sends presents, but just will not respond to any friends or family and i know he sometimes misses home, but i genuinely believe he is happier over here then he was in ireland, so i just dont get it :(
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it seems strange to me, as i miss home too, living in uk and i do like speaking and communicating to pp from back home, even if it makes me homesick. i wont only speak to those i wouldnt do there as well.. :S maybe he just prefers phone and doesnt want to spend time on short messages in bebo? if talking to them is ok, then u should not worry... :S
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no because i know he doesnt particularly love speaking on the phone either, he simply jus does not bother with them, i mean i check his page and tell him that he has had messages and he jus goes, 'is it'? oh right, lol and thats it! It upsets me, as some of them are really starting to feel hard done by!
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Hmmm, in my opinion, he just doesn't want to miss home because he feels like if he lets others know, then he'll be letting himself down and going back to where he was. Maybe he didn't like his position before, that seems to be the main idea.
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when u say position what do u mean?
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There must have been some aspect of life he didn't like before. Either he's worried because there was something he really wanted to leave, or he just felt like he wasn't working hard enough in his life. For me, I'd do something of that nature if there was baggage, like friendships from old relationships or people whom I just didn't want to see again because they put me in a bad position. Submissive people take all actions of others 10x as hard, and maybe he feels afraid of his past somehow.
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well, i think it could b the thing. he might b really annoyed with everyone and everybody asking about what he's doing, what r the future plans and stuff like that, which is pretty annoying as everyone asks the same and u've got nothing to tell about. moreover, his friends may have achieved some leading positions, which can put him down, so he doesnt want to speak about all that and there's nothing more to speak about... :S
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hes a very complex fellow, he is so happy go lucky, u very very very rarely see him down, its wierd, coz he really wants to go home type of thing, but just doesnt want to speak to anybody when hes not there, its really strange, he did live in his dads shadow alot, and i think, although he would never admit, he had a bit of bullying because his dad is quite well known in his community, like they all wanted to challegne him type of thing, but if thats the case, how come he loves going home,,, lol, its very confusing, he seems quite simple to figure out a person, but i wonder if he maybe has some major issues he just will not ever show anybody..
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If he's truly happy, then where does the problem lie ? If these are solely his friends and his family and he chooses not to pursue his relationship with them, why should that upset you? To a certain extent, I think you need to respect each other's positions on such things. Curiously, you say he prefers being "submissive"; however, taking such a large interest in his personal life suggests that you yourself don't mind being a bit controlling. Of course, that may not be true, but it does make a lot of sense in the context of your relationship. Either way, I wouldn't overly stress yourself on the choices he's making. If your relationship is somehow hindering him, that's one thing. But if he's happy with the way things are, it may be best to simply let it be.
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i admit i am the more controlling one in the relationship but the only reason i have such an interest is because i feel bad for him that he feels this way about his friends and family as he used to rave to me about them, so it makes me sad to think that theres some underlying reason he wont speak to them, and also they are starting to show that they are annoyed a bit by him ignoring them so i just am wondering if anybody has any advice on this as i care about him more than anything in the world, i also think he is not truly happy because he rarely bothers with friends over here, and drinks alot, does not play his beloved sport nemore and has put on a lot of weight, which is fine, but i jus dont think these are the actions of someone who is truly happy, its very confusing.
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do u know any of his good friends? because he might say how he feels to sb else, not willing to upset u. if u could get to the person, u may find out. but what u told really doesnt make me think he's happy. he may b happy with u, with his work, not there's probably a lot he misses. didnt u think of moving to ireland? maybe it worth to spent there some time to make him understand the grass is as green there as it's here?
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Hmm. I think you are right to be concerned then, Janey. Have you spoken to your boyfriend directly about the things you've observed? It may be that he is too shy or ashamed to admit that he is unhappy. It also may be that he is not used to expressing his emotions in such ways. If that is the case, I think that showing him that you are genuinely concerned and willing to help him make changes in life will go a long way.
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yeah ive already tried this, he just denies everything, hes very open about his emotions as far as he crys at songs and stuff like that but maybe he keeps other stuff buried away, as in front of his friends and stuff he likes to be the big hard man, and his dad is very that way to, quite scary, so i just dont know what to do! I dont know whether to be harsh in order for him to look at why hes bein tghe way he is and change or whether i should be a lot gentler, just dont know and he is just the best boyfriend i could ever ask for, I just want to see him really happy.
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by the way,, thank you for peoples replies, i really appreciate your input.
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I would err on the side of being gentle. If he's truly the best boyfriend you could ask for, simply loving and supporting him should be enough. As they say, you will catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar. Hopefully, knowing that there is someone he can depend on, will keep him on the up and up. If you do decide to approach him on it, stick to the ways in which his behaviour is affecting you and your relationship. That way you are letting your voice be heard, while still giving him the freedom to conduct his other relationships they way he chooses. Good luck, Janey.
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yeah, well thanks for ur help, thing is i do get frustrated with him with the way he is, not all the time, i am nice sometimes! But i jus find it hard to deal with the way he is sometimes, but i will try and take the gentler approach i think, and see how that works, sigh.... will let u know how i get on. ta
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sorry ruoidosa, only just saw ur last post, its a case of he had already moved here when i met him, he loves it over here, he loves his work and loves my family very much and is always happy on the surface, but i jus get a feeling hes got alot going on underneath u know, but even though he opens up bout certain things, get the feeling he keeps alot hidden away.
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b caring and supportive, pay much attention to him, b tender... that makes him feel good. he will open up some time, dont push him. good luck in ur relationship. i hope everything will get jus better :)
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yeah, i can be quite harsh sometimes, i mean ive got my own issues, and i hate myself for having a go because of his, if u catch my drift, gunna make a massive effort to be kinder and see how it goes, thanks,
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Kindness and just simply being there are best. :) If you show him you love him, he'll trust you. Some secrets, albeit tough for him, he'll likely swallow for a while until/unless he tells someday. Just love him no matter what, I think it's adorable sweet, and you're a kind person for being concerned about him. :) Just spend lots of time with him, enjoy your time together in life, it makes it so beautiful. :)
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thats the thing, we spend so much time together its unreal! But my own insecurities make me get so frustrated with him, i really need to put mine to one side and stop them from affecting the way i treat him, sigh, theres so much more i could moan about but i just cannot be bothered to write it all down! Thank you anyway all of u for giving advice, means alot.
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:) Anytime. As long as you're both happy together, and you're being strong together, then it's okay to tell troubles. Never stop being honest and kind with each other, that's so important in a loving relationship :)
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yeah, its just when i am honest to him about the way i feel i feel cruel, just annnoys that he relies so much on me, im his life, which is great but i feel its important to have a separate life aswell, as in with ur family and friends,
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Very true. Maybe he just has some old demons haunting him inside. What might be best is him meetting some new friends there with you. :) That will do the best for his social life, and if he can just stay in touch with family and hang with them as well, it will do a world of good for him. He's trying to advance in life at the same time, which is good, it's best you're there for him and just talk with him which is very sweet and kind. :)
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He may just simply want to live in the moment, and he may feel one can't go back in time. I left a state I loved and people I loved very much to move to California. I keep limit contact because I needed to detach in order to make new relationships. It is part of a grieving process. Suggest not trying to over analyze this quirk. He sounds normal. Best wishes.
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hes irish. we are strange folk. i recently moved away from ireland, and havent really kept in touch wit many of my friends, its nothin personal, but i dont fancy makin small talk over gaybo. and if you move away, its better to try and get new friends and carry on wit ur new life than cling on to a cyber relationship with the old ones. also wen u return home, u got more to talk about cus u aint spoken for so long! i kinda miss home a bit, but i kno its not a million miles away, and the life i left behind wasnt anything special so i dont get homesick that often. but the simplist answer of all is, hes a bloke, ur not, stop tryin too hard to understand :) you'l end up wreckin ur own head, and his, stop overthinkin it! its not a big issue.
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lol, thanks toffer, your definately right and he has started to make more friends over here and he does hate talking on the phone and the internet! Do u still keep in touch with ur family though?
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i still keep in touch wit the occasional e-mail, or brief fonecall but i find them a little fake. What i mean is, even wen at home, i had good relations wit my family but didnt have 2 hour long conversations with them about the weather,or what i did at the weekend! so just because i live an extra couple of hundred miles away, doesnt mean i should suddenly start writing to them or talkin wit them more! ok so i dont get to physically SEE them anymore, but i know its not permenant, i can return home and catch up wit them on a far better level in person. it can get tedious especially with sites like bebo, when you get numerous messages, sometimes from people you dont even speak to that much, and are expected to reply 2 them all, or if you miss someone out, suddenly your a bad person! so i stick to brief emails, and visits are good. that way u get 2 catch up proper!
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ps, i hope that helps :D 1 more thing i felt i had to add, i do miss home a hell of a lot, but i also love the new life iv started, i miss my friends and family a lot, but there is no point dwelling on it cus it will jus make me feel down, if i concentrate my energies on formin new relationships, i know i have strong ones at home i can return too.
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ha ha, thats funny u say that,he has messages from loadsa friends back home on bebo and he never repies to any of them! Some of them get pissed off to! I guess i just feel that if i was livin away from home, i would be on the phone every five minutes! But then again i have never lived away from home so i dont really know what i would be like. Thing is, i wish he would tell me why he doesnt contact them, but he doesnt! So im left guessing and feeling like he should, but thanks for shedding a little bit of light on the situation, i do feel bett bout stuff now. Where in ireland ru from?
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well, wut im puttin into words here, i probably wudnt be able communicate the same idea in person, i'd jus shrug my shoulders and say "mehhh". u could second guess him all the time, or jus let it go, and enjoy the fact he's not a home sick puppy! think about it if it was the other extreme, and he was on the fone to home all the time, constantly goin on about how much he misses it, woul that not be a hell of a lot more annoyin!? be careful wut u wish for! im technically from northern ireland :D a wee place jus outside belfasst
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oooh i loooove ur accent! Cheers for the help, if theres nethin i can help u with, jus lemme know, im a good listener.